Online Dating: How I Met My Mate

Do you think online dating is only for the young and the foolish? Not true! Lots of men and and women of all ages are finding the love of their life through online dating. I did it and so can you.

Oh, No, Single Again!
When I separated from husband number three, I was 47 years old and plenty scared that I would never find a good man to love. I read all those stories about how a woman over 40 has a better chance of being hit by lightning than getting married again. It's all nonsense. Your life is determined by the state of your consciousness.

When you end an unhappy chapter of your life, it means you've got some soul-searching and spiritual work to do. If you are willing to do the work required to heal your emotional hurts and resentments, you can write a new chapter with a very different ending. I went through a real "Dark Night of the Soul" following my third divorce, but I had such a big, stubborn ego that the only way I was going to learn the lessons I needed to learn was to be completely humbled.



I didn't really find my own spiritual truth until I lost everything else. It took some time, but I eventually turned my life around completely on every front-health, finances, work, and relationships.

As you get older, it becomes more difficult to meet eligible men. More and more people of every age are using online dating to find their special someone. My story should give you lots of confidence that you can meet the right man for you, no matter what your age or geographical location. When you're having trouble meeting eligible prospects in more conventional ways online dating is certainly worth a try.

If anyone had a good reason to complain about how hard it was to meet a good man, it was me. I was over 50, living in a very small mountain town where most people in my age group were married couples. It's a community of pickup trucks and blue jeans. The local joke is: "If you find a guy in Big Bear who is still single, he's either in recovery or on parole." In nearly three years of living there I met a few single men, but no one that I wanted to date.

Finding My Soul Mate
Two weeks after I moved in to the new house I bought, I met my soul mate. It all started several months before, when a woman I knew showed up at church one Sunday with a nice looking, neatly dressed guy in tow. In a sport coat and slacks, not blue jeans-wow!

"He's not from around here, is he?" I asked, "Where did you meet him?"

"On the internet!" she replied.

"Are you serious?" I gasped! She told me there were lots of nice men in our age group using the online dating sites and encouraged me to try the one where they met.

I put my profile and picture on the website she recommended and a whole new world opened up to me. Quite a few men contacted me, and this gave me the opportunity to practice and hone my skills at determining whether they were worth the time and trouble to actually meet in person.

I was very specific about my basic requirements in my profile and it amazed me to see how many guys seemed to just ignore what they read. I stated that I did not want a long distance relationship. He must live close enough geographically so we could see each other at least twice a week. I'd get e-mails from New York, Florida, Texas. I stated flatly "no smokers." Then I'd find out in a phone conversation that the guy smoked! What were they thinking? Couldn't they read?

I did meet several good men and dated them for a period of weeks or months, but no one really clicked with me. That was all right. It was fun checking the internet site to see who contacted me, then writing and talking to lots of different men. Sure, a few were losers or idiots, but most were just decent men who wanted to meet their special woman and fall in love.

The whole experience restored my faith in the male of the species. I saw that most men want someone to love just as much as we women do. They touched my heart and strengthened my resolve to keep the faith. I believed with all my heart that my soul mate was out there looking for me and wanting me as much as I wanted him.

I read some of the success stories posted on the site and noticed that in many cases, the woman had made the initial contact. It gave me the confidence to try my own search instead of just responding to those who contacted me. I wondered if there might be anyone interesting who lived anywhere nearby. My search turned up dozens of men who lived within an hour's drive.

Something immediately drew me to Stephen's profile. He lived in a nearby town right at the bottom of the mountain. His face was blurry in his photo but he was wearing a sleeveless tee shirt, which revealed his muscular upper arms. I'm a sucker for a great pair of biceps, so I contacted him by e-mail. In his online dating profile he said he liked to write poetry, so in the subject line I wrote: "Your muse awaits."

He was intrigued by my message. He wasn't quite sure what a muse was and had to look it up in the dictionary. (A muse is someone who is an inspiration to an artist, especially a poet). He told me later that my clever, romantic line made his day.

We wrote back and forth a few times, and then talked on the phone for several weeks. He sounded rather casual on the phone and I wasn't sure I wanted to meet him. He was persistent though, and convinced me to meet him at a coffee house called Grounds for Enjoyment. Little did I know how prophetic that would turn out to be!

I still didn't know what his face looked like. Oh, but there was no mistake about those biceps! I assumed his looks would be nothing special because of the blurry photo. I kept my expectations low and my mind open, so I wouldn't be disappointed, no matter what happened.

The First Meeting
I was waiting outside when he pulled up in his purple Explorer. He got out and walked toward me and my heart nearly stopped! He was tall, slim, and extremely good looking, half-Italian with dark hair and eyes, an aquiline nose, and strong jaw line. He was wearing a black leather jacket that immediately reminded me of my old high school swains back in New Jersey.

We said hello, and then he impulsively gave me a hug. It caught me off guard but I liked it, and it was okay with me that he did it.

We hit it off immediately. We talked for hours that first night. Before I drove back up the mountain I told him that he felt like family to me. He reminded me so much of my Italian family back east. Being with him was easy and comfortable.

We dated, got engaged, and then married a year and three months later. Online dating worked for me better than I could have dreamed!

If I had not done all that spiritual work before I met him, none of this would have come to be. He is so grateful to have a woman in his life that enjoys being in charge. And I am so grateful to have a man in my life who accepts and loves me as I am. We've been together five years now and every day I'm thankful to have such a good man as my partner in life.

Great relationships are created through your consciousness (as is everything else in your life). That's what I know to be true through my own experience. Great love is possible for every one of us so don't give up! Online dating could be the perfect way for you to meet your soul mate just as it was for me.



By Barbara Wright Abernathy

CyberCheapskates and Net Gold Diggers

Did you know that Match.com has around twelve million members, but only a million or so of those listed have paid their dues?

The most asked questions from Romance Clients? "Why don't they answer my emails?" Well, first off, you don't know and never will. But it's a pretty good guess is that this guy or lady is cheap.

If you have had much experience as an Internet dater, you've undoubtedly had the experience of putting out first email contacts to prospective Sweetheart and then gotten no answer back. A response rate of 30% to first emails is considered good!

On Match.com as well as many of the other Internet dating sites, you can post a profile for free, but you have to pay to email other listers or respond to emails sent to you.

You can't tell the payers from the freeloaders. And people who aren't paid members can't email, either to contact you first, or to answer when you write. That means that a very high percentage of those people you are carefully looking over are too cheap to pay less than a dollar a day to be able to email you!

Maybe that's a lot of what's behind the 30% who do get back to you. They're the only ones who are paid up!

Though I live now in Mississippi with my new husband Drew, I'm from Maine. I still own a house there on a beautiful island in the mid-coast area, so I get back to visit once or twice a year. Every spring, after the snow melts, all the debris that has accumulated over the winter along the roadsides gets exposed to the light of day. And along with tulips and daffodils, up spring the "For Sale" signs.

For years I wondered about why so many houses came up for sale every spring. Every other house seems to be on the market.

Finally, someone explained to me that lots of folks just put out those "For Sale" signs sort of for sport. All the locals know that summer people are heading this way, and those "city folks" have very distorted ideas about fair property values. So the sport is to put out a "For Sale" sign, ask a very inflated price, and see if anyone will bite. If you're lucky and catch a rich one, you just may be able to fund your retirement. Otherwise, life goes on, you get to stay in your house, and then try again next year. Sounds like a form of digging for gold to me.

Believe it or not, lots of people who are listed on dating sites are doing just that: They put out their "For Sale" sign with their profile and look like they are seriously "in the market" for a Sweetheart. Really, they have a way over-inflated idea of what they can get and are waiting to see if some fool will bite. These folks have stuck out their "For Sale" sign, but they aren't seriously looking. Except for the jackpot.

In the Internet dating world, this is deceptive advertising in the worse way, because the reader has no way of knowing if the profiler they are interested in is really serious and a paid-up member or not. The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid! All the others are freeloading teases.

If you are considering CyberRomance or are already posted on a site or two, pay your dues like a grown-up. Do your part to contribute to the energy and integrity of this wonderful resource for singles. If there's a time to "put your money where your mouth is," this is it. If you're serious, pay up. If you're not serious, stay out of the game.


By Kathryn Lord

A Nice Guys Guide to Dating Success

Has it ever happened to you? Have you ever had the experience of liking a woman, being a perfect gentleman, and treating her like a queen, only to have her reject you in favor of someone else (possibly very handsome) who doesn't treat her right, or doesn't seem to care about her much at all? These kinds of men have been called "bad boys," "charm boys," or "players." When you are interested in women, do they tend to see you as a friend or "brother" rather than a romantic interest? Do women tell you you're "too nice"? If so, you are not alone. This article will give you, the nice guy, some tips on how to use charm-boy traits to your advantage, while retaining your nice-guy values.

Let's brainstorm for a minute. What makes charm boys or players attractive? They are fun, spontaneous, unpredictable, mysterious, and act as if they don't care what others think of them (also known as confidence). They follow their own rules and don't let others (including their dates) walk all over them. And they often look good.

So what can you do? You don't have to engage in risk-taking behaviors in order to succeed with women. Suggest some "safe" ideas on the spur of the moment; for example, "Let's go get some sushi/ice cream/a Margarita," or, "Let's go for a drive and see where we end up." If this is not the usual "you," you may enjoy your new-found spontaneity. You can be mysterious/unpredictable without violating your principles. Don't call her the day after getting her phone number or the day after a date. Give her time to wonder whether you'll call; keep her guessing. People often want what isn't easy to get, and women like a little challenge.

You're the man. Many women are looking for men who are confident and decisive, who can be relied on to get things done. On a date, take command but don't be pushy. Always have a Plan A and a Plan B, so you don't miss the concert just in case the restaurant loses your reservation and there's a 1-1/2-hour wait. But always be flexible, in case your date hates Chinese food, for example, or she just told you her favorite musical group is in town, tonight only. Low-cost dates conducive to getting to know each other include the zoo, a museum, or miniature golf. In addition to saving you money, these low-cost dates also minimize the feeling that you have to "spoil" her or "buy" her affection with an extravagant wining-and-dining evening. And if she likes you, she won't mind a "cheap" date; she just wants to be with you.

Keep it light and upbeat. Don't be needy or act nervous. You might be a bit anxious while on a date, but she doesn't need to know that. Keep things light and humorous, and pay attention to her. That in itself will help you take the focus off you and help you feel more confident. And be a gentleman (you're already good at this). For example, always offer to pick up the tab unless she insists on paying, open doors for her, etc. But don't overdo the gifts, lest you appear desperate.

Let her talk. This is where nice guys have an advantage. Most women like to communicate verbally and welcome the chance to be heard. (But make sure you listen; don't just let your mind wander.) She will be impressed if you remember details about things that are important to her, such as her pet's name or her favorite book. If you met her online, review her profile for questions you can ask her about her interests.

Neatness counts. Take another hint from the charm boys. You don't have to be a Brad Pitt look-alike, but make the most of what you have. Review your grooming, clothes, and accessories with an objective eye. If you want feedback, ask a friend--possibly a female friend--for honest input. Or tune into one of the new TV shows which focus on wardrobe/grooming tips for men.

Have a life (and a backbone). Just because you are dating a woman doesn't mean you drop everything else (including your own friends, hobbies, and interests). After all, relationships can come and go. Keep being yourself. You are not always at her beck and call. When you really don't want to do something (for example, if she wants you to cancel your ballgame or night out with your friends to go shoe shopping with her), it's okay to decline. Telling her no may be difficult for nice guys, but if she's worth keeping, she will respect you for this and value her time with you more. To soften the blow, you might offer her an alternative get-together. For example, "Sorry I can't make it on Saturday. How about I take you to that new play you've been wanting to see on Sunday instead?"

How does she rate? Remember: You have the right to evaluate her, not just the other way around. Does she deserve a second date? Is she relationship material (if that's what you're looking for)? Just because she's attractive/smart/classy doesn't necessarily mean she's right for you. Does she treat you well? Is she kind? Does she have decent self-esteem? Is she giving? If you're looking for a long-term relationship, can you see yourself still with her in 20 years, when some of the supermodel looks may have begun to fade?

The good news for nice guys is that as women get older, perhaps having survived a bad-boy heartbreak or two, they are more likely to appreciate nice guys. Make a list of your good points, the qualities you have to offer. Keep at it. And start believing that you are a catch (or at least act like it)!

For more information, visit the author's website http://www.therapy-conscious.com

Ann L. Palik

Online Dating 101 - Online Dating Basics

Online Dating 101 by Kevin Koger

Feeling like there's something that's just not quite there yet in how you're going about this whole online dating thing? Don't feel bad, chances are you're one of the many people who're still pretty new to this gig. Heck, internet dating has only been around for about eight years, so obviously no one out there can claim to have all the answers.

But hey, seeing that we've been perfecting the art of matching people up online all eight of those years, we'd like to share a little of what we've learned about how to make the best of your online experience. Who knows, one of these pointers might be just what you've been missing in perfecting your own online dating adventures.

Therefore, without further ramblings, here are the:

TOP 10 TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL ONLINE DATING

SAY CHEESE! Look your best and submit a great photo of yourself for your profile photo. A good picture really is worth a thousand words, and research shows that you are nearly 10 times more likely to be noticed if you post a photo to your profile.

And, the same stats hold true when you contact someone you've noticed on the site. If you don't have a photo, don't be surprised if the responses aren't too quick in coming back.

Now, don't get mad a start making accusations about all the shallow people out there. While it may be true that some people place too much emphasis on physical appearances, the bottom line is it does make a difference when two people are meeting and making initial evaluations of their interest in each other. And, it's also a trust thing. It is always going to be much easier to interact with a face than with a blank box.

FRESH IS GOOD Change your profile picture and greeting occasionally, add photos to your photo album, and login regularly-this will not only get you noticed, but it will help others get a more varied and up-to-date idea of what constitutes the real you.

When something interesting happens in your life, tell us about it in your profile greeting. This is a great way to let your online friends in on what it might be like to actually spend time with you. That's the main goal of online dating isn't it, to find people you'd finally like to meet and spend time with face-to-face? Anyways, it's always more fun to hear about a crazy experience you've just had than to read the same old descriptions of you and your cat that have been on your profile for months now.

As for photo albums, this is the icing on the cake. Not only do these photos round out and confirm the physical picture your friends are forming of you, but they also go a long way in helping others really see what makes you "you." The head and shoulders shot of you in your profile photo is nice and all, but when they see you hanging 10, running with your Chihuahua, or shoving a big fat piece of cheesecake in your mouth ? now they're getting to know you.

I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN ME Have fun describing yourself without making excuses about why you're on the site or who convinced you to finally go online. Tell us what makes you unique.

Believe it or not, being an online dater no longer places you on the fringes of society or even in the minority. Online dating has grown up and moved into the mainstream, and so you can now happily assume that the face-saving qualifiers of past times online are now obsolete. And, more importantly, just realize that they don't help your cause when meeting others online.

One more thing ? try to be original. Yes, I'm sure you really do like the outdoors and want to meet someone who looks good in a tux and in jeans, but so does everyone else! Tell us some things about yourself that wouldn't necessarily come out in an elevator conversation with your tax accountant. For example, what are you passionate about? What would you do if no longer had to work for a living? What's your favorite flavor of gelato? Do you secretly wish everyday was sampling day at the grocery store? ? now it' getting interesting!

HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY Don't be fooled thinking telling fibs will impress that special someone enough to get relationship started... it will turn them off! Be your best self.

When you really stop and think about it, what do you think your new friend's reaction is going to be if when you meet for the first time it's obvious you're not the person they thought they were going to be meeting? "Oh .. hi. I see that you've been dishonest with me from the get-go here, but hey, I'm still thinking we've got a great shot at having an open, trusting relationship for the long-term" Obviously not.

They're going to be hurt, and disappointed. And, your relationship is unlikely to get past the wave goodbye as your friend gets back in their car to go home.

IT'S NICE TO BE NICE Okay, so you get a little grouchy once in a while-don't we all? However, people like nice people. Please be considerate and polite ? it will make this whole online thing so much more enjoyable for all of us!

There's an interesting social phenomenon researchers have discovered in online interactions. They've found people often change their standards of politeness and diplomacy when a conversation is happening online, versus face-to-face.

Don't believe it? You might be surprised if you were to go back and look at some of the things you've said. Look at some messages you've sent, and then consider saying the exact same words in a face-to-face or a telephone conversation. Sound a little rough? Don't feel too bad, it happens to the best of us, just try to keep this in mind the next time you're typing out an email or instant message.

One more thing-please don't ignore people. A quick "thanks, but no thanks" note is so much better than no reply at all. In fact, next time you're replying to a message on the site, check out the new "Thanks but No Thanks" template. It's a quick way to nicely let someone know you're not interested in corresponding.

YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS ? Invite your friends along! Create Activity Groups, go on group dates, try Express Dating, enjoy travel events, and just enjoy the net together. After all, instant messaging alone isn't enough to build solid relationships.

Group dating and group events simply make a lot of sense for online dating. Not only does it make those first dates less stressful, it often makes them more fun, and it definitely makes first meetings a much safer proposition.

Have you ever tried Activity Groups? They're a great way to meet people with common interests in a safe, fun group setting. You can join a group that's already been created, or you can create your own and invite all your friends to join ? and their friends ? and their friends ? you get the point.

BREAK OUTA THAT SHELL Don't be afraid to make the first contact. Online dating makes it easy for all you shy ones out there to break the ice, because you get to do all the initial getting to know each other from the comfort and safety of your own computer.

To start, just send a Flirt or a quick email message saying Hi-and do it often! You might be surprised how many of our great members suffer from lack of attention from their online peers. Not only might you find someone with whom you're very interested in maintaining contact, but you'll probably be making someone's day.

EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS If your first internet efforts haven't turned up "the perfect one," don't despair. Hundreds of new people sign up every day on the site, so just come back to see Who's New. You may also want to consider expanding your searches-don't be too intent on sticking to your itemized checklist for eternal mates.

You might also want to try some different searches from time to time. Because there are about a million different things you might find attractive in another person, it's nice to mix up the criteria you're searching on once in a while. For example, you can search by their Occupation, any Keyword or combination of keywords you can think of, and many others.

UH OH ? THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE FUN! Don't be afraid to have some fun along your path to relationship happiness! Enjoy getting to know people and understand that many happy relationships and even marriages start with a good ol' friendship. And, don't rush it!

You've heard animals can sense fear? Well, we humans can be pretty perceptive as well (except for that one guy who just can't take a hint). So, don't think others can't sense when you're frustrated, dejected, conceited, holier than thou, fed up, etc. etc. Put a smile on, and enjoy the ride, because even if the first few people you meet aren't Mr./Mrs. Right, it doesn't mean you can't have some fun in good conversations with them.

You may also need to be a little bit patient as you head off into the brave new world of online dating. Not all marriages are "love at first site," and even if yours is, it may take a lot of looking before you "site" that special someone. And so, once again ? enjoy the ride!

USE YOUR NOODLE Ya know, that gray matter between your ears? That's your noodle. Use it! Be smart, be cautious, and follow our safety guidelines, your instincts, and the spirit in all your dating activity.

By Done right

How To Choose a Dating Service

There are so many dating sites out there, hundreds if not thousands, how do you even begin to decide where to register and start your online dating experience?

You could just pick one at random, create a profile, and sit back and wait for the other members to beat a path to your email inbox. Who knows, you could get lucky and it might work out first time. But even a tiny bit of investigation beforehand could save a lot of time and frustration!

The trick is to be prepared. You probably wouldn't go off to buy a new car and start by trawling around dealerships at random, you would already have an idea as to what sort of car you want - how big, how fast, how much money you had to spend, and so forth. Based on these criteria you would have a good idea of which car showrooms to visit to find the right sort of vehicle for your particular needs. So the first question to ask yourself, is what do you want out of a dating site? Sounds obvious - a date! But what sort of date? Are you looking for a serious relationship possibly leading to marriage? Or are you after a casual partner and you'll see where it leads? Or perhaps you just want some uncomplicated fun. The good news is that among the myriad of services out there on the web, there is something to cater for every requirement. Some sites will suit all tastes, but there are many that specialise, and the more specific you are about what you want, the better your chances of finding it.

Before looking at the sites on offer, think about how you will write your personal profile. Jot down a paragraph or two about yourself, your interests, and your hopes for a partner. Then write a few words about what you are looking for in a potential dating match. Doing this offline will help you structure in your own mind what sort of date you are looking for, and then when you go and look at some dating sites, you'll easily be able to pick out those that offer the best chance of providing what you want. The added benefit of course is that when it comes to filling in your profile online, you will be prepared and wont be sat in front of your screen lost for words. Instead your profile will read in a very natural and honest way.

I would always recommend choosing at least two sites to register with and put your profile on, after all, they are almost all free to start with - you only need decide if you want to pay when and if someone of interest turns up and you want to make contact.

Websites like The Dating WebReview can also save you time. The reviews will quickly give you an idea about the services each dating site offers, and whether they specialise.

Choosing an internet dating site isn't difficult. In the end it comes down to finding one that you enjoy using. After all, if it appeals to your taste, then you already have something in common with the other members.


Sara Blackmoore

The Cyber Lothario

Are you writing to someone who is romancing you off your feet? Does this guy seem to know just what to say or write that gets you a step or two further down the garden path?

Perhaps more dangerous than the notorious Internet rapists and murderers are the Cyber Lotharios. Maybe you know one. Smooth as silk. Seduction is his native language.

More dangerous, because these guys (well, maybe there are girls too, but I am more familiar with the guys) are GOOD.

These guys are the Internet equivalent of a Bill Clinton, if Bill Clinton hadn't gotten caught. They are the cyber version of handsome -- they write beautifully, know just what you want to hear and tell you. They POUR it on, and for a thirsty woman, it is nectar from the Gods.

These fellows post on dating sites indefinitely, waiting for the unsuspecting newbie to the dating site. You might contact him, he might contact you, but like a used car salesman, he knows a pigeon when he sees one.

Then slowly, softly, but determinably, he has his way with you.

How do you tell if you have one of these guys on the wire? What if he is a really nice guy, really meaning every word he says?

Well, one thing would be if you find yourself agreeing to things that you never would if you were in your right mind. Particularly if that has to do with sex. Or maybe money.

These guys make manipulation feel like a warm bath. You just slide right in and it feels delicious.

But there is a certain vagueness, particularly about past relationships, and perhaps about future plans. These guys may reassure, but they also will leave themselves a way out.

How can you tell?

Well, one thing you can do is ask for a relationship history. Then pay attention to how he responds, as well as what he actually says.

Does he groan and moan about doing the job? Is he grudging in what he tells you? Or is he open and serious, understanding what you are asking and why?

Does he seem to have trouble remembering his own history, what her name was, what order the different relationships came in? Is he reluctant to divulge, or does he sound like he is fudging?

Does he seem to be moving you fast towards a romantic getaway? Maybe he makes plans for the two of you to meet, and reserves only one room. Is he heavily sexually suggestive and titillating? Does he ask questions like "What kind of lingerie are you wearing?"

Even though a new and legitimate relationship can be highly sexually charged, a guy who is seriously interested in you and a possible future with you will be protective and understanding of you and your feelings.

If you feel antsy, pay attention. If your hormones may be doing your thinking, put on the brakes. Better to let this dangerous Clark Gable type swim away than to be left flat and busted.


By Kathryn Lord

Co-Dependency

Co-Dependency is an unhealthy reliance on another person for every thought, action, and feeling. It consists of people who seem to be defined by another other person. One person relies so much on another person's opinion -- that the daily functions they once had as an individual are lost. That individual is no longer capable of making his or her own choices.

A person who is co-dependant is constantly striving to please another person and have made them selves so self-less that they begin to lose who they are. Their life becomes a sacrifice for another person.

A person who is co-dependant ceases to be them self and becomes part of two. A person's want for someone else in their life is overcome with the need to have someone else in their life in order to function. The person feels the need to spend every waking moment thinking about that other person, being with them, talking to them, or thinking of ways to make that person happier.



While a marriage should strive to do those items, there is a happy medium and for a lack of a better term, co-dependency could be considered as 'stalking'. The constantly calling them, seeing them, thinking about them, giving them things -- are traits of stalkers who feed their need off the presence of the other person.



If a person doesn't feel happy unless they are with their significant other, this is where the problem begins. To only gain a feeling of happiness by someone, an outside factor that you can't always control is unhealthy. A person must be happy with them selves and love them selves as a person, if you don't love yourself, how do you expect someone else to?

During the honeymoon stages of a relationship, it seems reasonable to want to always be with that person, talk to them, or think about them - but it is important to know that your life doesn't revolve around them.

My grandparents have been married 60 odd years. Their secret is that she gives the orders and he carries them out, this doesn't work in all relationships. If one were to die, the other would soon follow.

Every leader needs a follower and every follower needs a leader. But in relationships, there needs to be a bigger 50/50 balance of respect and understanding that for the first 18+ years of your life, you have lived as an individual and you have your own habits, both bad, as well as good. These habits aren't easily changed. While we strive to make ourselves better, there will always be something that drives the other person nuts.

As a couple, each person must live their own lives -- pursue their own jobs and hobbies.

I dated a girl I worked with, bad idea. Since I was in upper management, work was my life and I always wanted to talk about it. She on the other hand didn't. She couldn't figure out why I didn't focus more on school. Our priorities conflicted each other and shortly our relationship ended. We both have degrees now, but I have experience and after I left that job, she was let go.

One weekend after she and I had been dating, I was watching a movie at my apartment. Usually she went home (from college) on weekends, but had stayed in town that weekend. We had spent the past week together and I needed to take a break and be myself. She stopped by on Saturday and wondered if I was going to call her since she was in town that weekend. I hadn't planned on it, it would have been good to hang with her, but I didn't need to. She couldn't understand why I just sat there and watched a movie while she was in town and we could spend some time together. Watching movies was one of my favorite things to do, she usually studied, read, or slept.

My parent's relationship is a good example of a non-codependent marriage. They work overlapped hours, so they aren't together 24/7. My mom is usually busy with stuff for church, my dad is busy with other stuff for church and a community service club. At home, she works in her office and he works out in the sunroom. They are both home and happy that they know where the other person is. Every day at noon they call each other, it is more of a tradition than a need. They wouldn't be lost of the other person didn't call, it was just part of their daily routine. Every Friday night they go out to eat and maybe see a movie, after all, remember that they are friends. Sure mom does some things for dad that a mom would do. But that is her nature and it works.

They match as friends to the affect that her strengths are his weaknesses and vice versa. They compliment each other and have a happy relationship in which they are dependent on each other for love and shared memories and the wanting to spend their lives together. They can go days without the other person. But usually don't.

The couples that call each other six times a day and wonder where the other person is and why they aren't with them is where it becomes unhealthy.

A friend of mine was dating one girl who was very co-dependent. When he'd home from work, she would call just a minute or two after he walked in and would ask where he was. He would simply say that he just walked in the door and was resting and this would upset her. She expected him to spend every moment of his spare time with her.

She didn't give him any freedom to be himself. She lived in the fear that if he leaves, her life is nothing. Her needs in the relationship were based on a set of unrealistic expectations. She was so selfish in wanting her needs to be filled that she didn't consider his past and his needs. This was the basis for that relationship ending.

People need their alone time. Time to be by them selves to think. You shouldn't stress yourself out about the other person so much that you can't live as an individual. A relationship can bring happiness, but happiness shouldn't be grounded in another person.

I've been single for quite some time -- maybe by an unconscious choice, maybe conscious, maybe chance, or maybe by a Higher power. Being single has given me the opportunities to do what I want to do, be who I want to be, and discover myself. My plate is so full with wanting to write a book, to finishing a movie, to making short films, to getting my finances in order, building credit, getting in shape, and eating healthy -- that would be a lot to handle and try and maintain a relationship at the same time.

Aside from relationships, people can become co-dependant on drugs, alcohol, sex, painkillers, food, and so many more things. If it is considered bad to be dependant on those, then I would venture to say it would be bad to be co-dependant in a relationship.

That is another article.

By Chad J. Bring

Finding a Safe Dating Site

Seems like everywhere we surf on the Internet nowadays we run across this little advertisement: 'Free online personals'.
They are everywhere, they are dating sites, and more are opening up shop every day.


Welcome to the newest internet gold rush.
More and more people are signing up to these new and "free" dating sites.
What they are really getting is a place on the web where they can post their profile and let strangers contact them.
As more and more dating sites pile up on the web, more people are ending up with very distasteful experiences because of this.
Why? 99% of today's (and tomorrow's) dating sites do not screen their members at all. This means there are sex offenders, predators, scam artists
mixed in with genuine people who are looking to find a match.
Dating services need to be very discretionary and much safer, until that time comes here are some important things to consider
when thinking about joining a dating site.

1). Examine the site's physical properties. Is it poorly constructed with missing graphics or jagged fonts, mis-aligned sections? If so, this indicates a lack of attention to detail in the construction and layout of the site. It may have been pre purchased and the owner does not have the skill to alter it correctly. Why would you care? Well, a site in a state like this gives a clue that the back end program probably is also in a state of disarray or disregard. If the webmaster cannot construct the face of the site, then it is likely they cannot also construct important safety features behind the site. A hacker then could easily penetrate it and get your personal information including your photo. If you eventually pay this site, your credit information could be stolen as well! A nicely designed site means careful construction and a better chance of good quality code running the site in the background.

2). Look at some sample profiles on the site before you sign up by running a quick search. Do the profiles look a little bogus? A lot of them are. Many sites (especially new ones that have just started up) pad their membership database with photos of models or random (usually good-looking people) to attract new members. Do the profiles have a lot of jibberish characters or nonsensical phrases in the descriptions? That means the dating site you are at does NOT screen the people who sign up. This welcomes people with ill-intent. You should get out of there immediately and go to one that does.

3). Does the site have a privacy link? Look at the bottom of the site's main page. If they have a privacy link, click it and examine. Make sure they specifically state that they do NOT sell your information to anyone. This is an invitation to a spam and junk-mail nightmare. Also look for some sort of a web site rules page or a terms of use page. Check to see if they screen their profiles or somehow >disallow racial, hate or overly sexual material. If they don't state this than, anything goes for this site, another reason to leave.

4). Does the site have a links page? If so click and examine. See who they are affiliated with. Usually, there will be graphical banners or icons next to the names of their associations. Are they sex-sites? Spam sites? Even a quick glance in this area could tell you what kind of a dating site you are at.

5). What is the copyright date at the bottom? This could indicate the age of the site. If it is very young, this could help you determine if the site has worked out all the kinks (program bugs) and how many members they have accumulated.

6). Be wary of statements like "You are the 4697th member to join today." and "Search through millions of profiles." these statements are usually false. Major sites, which have been running for YEARS usually can support these statements. look for a "whos online" link. If you are the only person (1 guest online means JUST you are there) then you know these claims are false. A site with millions or even thousands of members will always have a bunch of people currently online. If you detect this in a dating site, it is better to leave than to take a chance with a dishonest site. This is just a short list of ideas to help keep you safe when dating online. Be leary, be safe. More information can be found at www.cupidsblackbook.com .

By Leif Croonquist

Married and Unhappy ...

Married women need to feel Love and Married men need to be desired by their partners period !!

Put more love into your Life..Start today ... Read on ...

Do you want a wonderful life?
Do you want more meaning in your love life ?
Do you a want more affection & compassion?
Do you want a more passionate and intimate partner?
Do you want more happiness and love in your life?

Of course we all do... These are all vital human principles that we need to survive ..

If you have ever asked yourself any of these questions. Then you need an approach to find and achieve greater loving, joy and well-being in your life.

You have probably heard that love gives life meaning. But how do you create a more loving life?
How do you develop all the qualities that love generates to make your life happier and healthier?

Loving means caring for the well-being of ourselves and others,sharing the good times and the challenging times, sharing what is on our minds and hearts .. So how do you have more LOVE? How do you experience yourself being loved more? How do you love others more?
There is a way. You can have more loving, caring, sharing, affection, better relationships, more fun and more bliss.

One of the best things you can give your partner is your happiness ..
It isn't confilct that tears down a marriage, it is the resentment that is built ..

Why not take charge of your life and practice the things you know will bring more of the "good life"?

Deep inside of you there are powers that if discovered and used would allow you to achieve all that you ever dreamed or imagined you could become.

When two people decide to be together, it is becasue they are hoping that this person will be able to fulfill their every need.. They want to feel safe and secure, loved and desired, romanced and respected. We all have these qualities, but sometimes we just tend to take things for granted and lose appreciation for what really matters..(sharing love!) Lets get focused and back on track ... Spark that fire , enhance romance, and spice it up .. For sure you will be both delighted...Dont be the man without love or the women seeking love ...Your happiness depends upon it ..

Go For it ! You Can do it ! Your'e the Best !

Do yourself a favor and start now .

Love is a beautiful thing ...
It's not what you get , it's what you do with it ..

We all need to be desired , loved and need attention ..
If you think you are too good with your partner then think again ..

please follow up with :
10 fast ways to re-igniting romance ..

Do It And They Will Come: Pursuing New Adventures To Find Mr / Ms Right

Are you tired of the whole dating scene? Have you spent many hours (years) going to parties and events with the hope of meeting compatible and available singles? If so, now may be time to think about doing something different. Really different.

After all, we tend to move about socially in the same close-knit circles. The same guys/women at a friend's party or at the functions held by our church or synagogue. Even the happy hour crowd can become all too familiar. Don't despair. There are lots of new and exciting ways to meet people if you are willing to do a little local research and are game for some new adventures.

Before I get into the specifics, I need to emphasize the importance of having a basic plan. Primarily this involves a budget for time and money investment. It also requires that you really think about what would meet YOUR needs, as you get ready to commit to some new leisure activities and interests.

A good way to start is to spend a little time thinking about those things you always wanted to try or to learn about. For instance, have you had a desire to try hiking, biking, swimming or other athletic pursuits? What about something a little more exotic like caving, skydiving or scuba? Perhaps cultural pursuits are more to your liking, but you don't know anyone you can share these with. If so, you may feel uncomfortable or just not interested in going out and doing them alone.

With some ideas in mind, (or maybe no specific list), you are ready to begin to gather information about local available resources.

Major metropolitan areas are rich in singles events. These are hosted by for profit companies as well as singles groups/clubs that are affiliated with religious and other private organizations. You can begin your search by looking through local newspapers and checking out the listings with you county, city or community center. A web search is also a great way to gather information. Just use keywords that include singles, activities, events, and the name of your local metropolitan area. If you live in an outer, less populated area, don't give up. Look into what is available in the nearest large city. Also, note the trips for singles that allow you to meet people from around the country.

Once you have identified regional and local groups and organizations, begin to go through all their listings. Be open to hearing/reading about everything that is available. This process can give you a lot of ideas and will let you know what all your choices are. The list can be almost overwhelming! Many singles are searching for new adventures and this has led to an explosion of activities and events being offered.

The following is a "rough" list of what you may find:



Sports - volleyball, basketball, tennis, golf, sailing, horseback riding, and sports leagues for a number of team sports


Athletic - hiking, biking, canoeing, kayaking, white water rafting, camping, walking groups


New Skill Learning - pistol-shooting classes


Cultural - museum tours, theatre, ballet, symphony, opera


Social - scavenger hunts, wine tasting at vineyards, group dinners




After you have made your picks, check to see that you can work them into your schedule and budget. Remember, as you make your final selection(s), that this is supposed to be FUN for you. Choose something that you believe you would enjoy and that would be basically within your ability to participate in. (i.e.) If you are terrified of heights, avoid skydiving.

Keep in mind that challenging athletic pursuits tend to bring out the (true) best and worst sides of us all. Not only will you give yourself an experience that can help you develop greater confidence and self-esteem, you will also learn more about yourself and how you relate to others. This will be true of the other participants as well. Therefore, you will get a much more candid snapshot of the singles you meet during these activities/events. You will also maximize your opportunity to meet like-minded singles, who share at least one of your interests.

So, pull some of those old dreams or recent fantasies out of mothballs. Let yourself play. Along the way you just may find a new favorite passion, a great friend or new love.

By Toni Coleman, MSW

Why Not Average Joe: Exploring Melanas Choice

Admit it. You snickered, rolled your eyes and laughed out loud as the group of "Average Joes" filed out of their bus to meet Melana that first night. You probably thought "no way" as you settled in for a soap about a beautiful girl's rejection of the geeks. Indeed, Melana herself stated, "Someone is messing with my head", as the next "average" guy stepped down to meet her.

However, in the episodes that followed, there was bonding, friendship and attraction between Melana and a number of the guys. It actually began to look as though she was falling for at least one or two of them. Then came the twist. The "gorgeous" guys were sent in to challenge the Joes and test Melana's ability to see past the surface and choose based on what each man had to offer as a total package.

At that point, what were you thinking? Who was your front-runner? Did you think it possible that the bonds that had been formed would be strong enough to hold Melana's attention- and heart? I'm guessing that many people did. I know a lot of people were routing for Adam or Zack.

So, what happened? In the days that followed the final episode, virtually all of the commentary centered on a very basic and "simple" explanation of Melana's choice. They all said it was about "looks".

While I agree that physical attraction played a significant role, I believe Melana's choice involved more than this. How we choose has to do with many things. These include:

* physical attraction

* shared interests

* social compatibility and friendship

* intellectual compatibility

* ability to communicate

* basic values

* level of self-knowledge

* level of maturity and dating experience

* personal and family goals

I am going to do a brief examination of how these played a role in Melana's final decision. Follow along with me and think about how these factors come into play in your meeting and dating life. Perhaps Melana's public struggle with these can provide some valuable insights into how you choose potential partners and assist you in your desire to make the best (and healthiest) choice for you.

Let me begin by stating an obvious point that we are all aware of. The circumstances and setting of the meeting and dating that takes place on a "reality" show have little resemblance to the real world of dating. Dates are chosen, as is the person who will be doing the choosing. They are sequestered in a beautiful, romantic place where all their physical needs are attended to and everyone can present themselves in their best light. The real world of money, time, energy and the need for making dating plans are all handled by professionals who go "all out". Even though the contestants spend weeks together, they are not confronted with the real life issues that singles in the dating world must deal with. Therefore, the circumstances are idyllic. This has pros and cons. I think we all have a pretty good idea of what these are. The major plus is that everyone can present himself or herself "equally". The major drawback is that each relationship is limited to this fantasy existence, and there is no opportunity to see each other deal with the day-to-day challenges of real life.

Stepping back into the episodes prior to the inclusion of the "hunks", can you recall the great dates that Melana had with the guys? The group dates were full of laughs and bonding on a friendship level. We all enjoyed watching Dennis get to the top and see the support and caring that were shown towards him. With each week, Melana discussed and demonstrated the attractions she was forming with different guys on different levels. A few rose to the front of the line as she eliminated based on not just looks, but on the "connection" she felt with each. Indeed, she used this word a lot. This connection was formed by the elements of:

* social compatibility and friendship

* ability to relate

* comfort level

* basic attraction

Just prior to the twist episode, Adam and Zack seemed to be the front-runners. In their individual dates, they were able to get to a deeper level of communication. Personality issues arose. There was discussion centering on likes, dislikes, attitudes and some of their own personal and family history. They began to get a sense of each other's basic values and goals. Their ability to relate verbally and intellectually started to come into play.

At this point, Adam seemed a strong front-runner. Do you remember what qualities Melana highlighted as she discussed her feelings about him? "He's funny, down-to-earth, smart, liked by everyone, and just a great guy." Do you remember their first "passionate" kiss, and how surprised Melana was at what a great kisser Adam is? We have to wonder why she was so surprised. Perhaps because he didn't look like the type? But he clearly was. It appeared that Melana was forming a strong bond with him that included all of the elements that love requires- including physical attraction.

So what happened?

Enter the hunks. Do you remember Melana's face as they were brought into the room? Pleased would be a good description. Her physical attraction to them was obvious and strong. She used words like "handsome, great body, too pretty", to describe them. Still, she was drawn to Adam.

As the show went on, Melana had individual dates. She decided to go out with the new guys to give them a chance. She eliminated Zack, to whom she had admitted having a strong physical attraction for, while being unsure about his other attributes.

Towards the end, it was Adam vs Jason. Who would she choose and why? Clearly, the way Jason looked was a major factor in his staying on. However, Melana also talked about her comfort with him and the ease she felt in their ability to communicate. Melana also rated their physical intimacy as great. Indeed the scenes shown from their dates demonstrated a strong chemistry. Melana was very drawn to him. But what about Adam?

Do you remember how Melana showed mixed feelings on her second to last date with Adam? She expressed that she felt conflicted. Adam was hurt and said so. Even so, they were able to go on with the date and have a pretty good time. On their last date, there seemed to be a real bond. Melana got a lot more information about Adam. He is successful, hard working, has many close friends and healthy family relationships. Clearly, she was impressed and drawn to all of these traits. But not enough....

So why her final choice? Melana found friendship, good communication, compatibility, mutual respect, comfort and attraction with Adam. She also found these with Jason. In addition, there was a STRONGER physical attraction. Remember her words, "look at him, who could resist that face".

The answer for her final decision? I can only speculate here. However I believe it had to do with her level of maturity and self-knowledge. Someone with greater self-awareness, a strong handle on their life goals and a level of maturity that teaches us that looks fade while other attributes become stronger over time; may very well have chosen Adam. Instead, Melana appeared to have succumbed to the immediate passions of the here and now, instead of looking ahead to who would be the best choice for husband, father and partner in the future and sometimes harrowing journey of commitment, marriage and family life.

I read with interest that Melana and Jason's "relationship" appeared to be over after their return from their final fantasy date. I was not at all surprised. One can only guess what went on. I think a good guess is that they got to know each other better without the pressure and competition that had come before.. Perhaps Melana began to see that along with his sweetness, Jason had a strong passivity towards life, whereas Adam strove for achievement through hard work and determination. Jason seemed to be in need of time and maturity before he would be able to move towards an intimate and committed relationship and the responsibilities and challenges that come with it.

No one but Jason and Melana will ever know for sure. I just can't help but wonder if she will regret her decision and wish she had been older and wiser when she was asked to make it.

I'd love to hear YOUR thoughts and ideas regarding Melana and her choice of Jason. If you'd like to express them.

Toni Coleman

Making The Connection: Tips For Getting Noticed

Chances are that you have had a wide variety of experiences in your quest for meeting singles. These can range from an event that yields several nice interactions and at least one offer to get together for a date, to going home feeling frustrated and convinced you are destined to be a dating failure.

If you had made a note of your mood, your general attitude, your level of comfort, (and other related factors) after each experience, you would have some very useful information. For the attributes you carry along with you to these social gatherings will have a great impact on the outcome of each.

The following are tips for helping you to present the best you to others. As you read each, do a quick inventory of how you rate in that area. It's always helpful to ask friends to weigh in with their observations. The more information, the better.

1. Present yourself as confident and in possession of a healthy self-esteem.

In general, people are attracted to those who appear confident and who feel good about themselves. Certainly, this is a turn-on for you as well. If you feel desirable and sexy, it makes sense that others will too.

If low self-esteem is a problem for you, this should be the first area you work on in yourself. It is not necessary to have over the top confidence, just a sense that you are someone that has a lot of positives to offer others.

Do some reading, take a class that teaches assertiveness and/or practice daily affirmations. Remember also that when you treat yourself with respect and adhere to healthy boundaries with others, you will foster a healthy sense of self.

2.Be Yourself

NEVER try to be someone you are not. Not only do you come across as insincere, you also will present as uncomfortable and make others feel this way right along with you.

Trying to be cool, aggressive, (etc.), generally just makes you awkward and unapproachable. Relax, be natural, be the you that your friends and others who know and like you, see and appreciate.

Think back to the times you have witnessed someone "acting" in a social situation, and the general reaction of those around them. Then think about the people you know who are good at meeting others. These are the people who present their true (best) side.

3. Smile and Show Enthusiasm

Certainly you have encountered strangers who were sullen and appeared negative and unapproachable. A smile can change all that.

Have an open and inviting expression. Make good eye contact. People are DRAWN to others like this. Let that attractive stranger know you are open to meeting them and happy to be there. If they have an interest back, this will pave the way for a first interaction.

If you don't feel like smiling it may be a good idea to sit this one out at home with a movie or a good book or a low-key get together with a good friend.

4. Present Your Best Appearance

Always make your best effort in your grooming and choice of clothing. Attractive is just that. It's not about having beautiful features or a fantastic body. It's all about presenting what you have in the best light possible.

This also includes presenting an attractive personality. Be friendly, not pushy. Be open, not indiscreet. Have opinions, don't be a know-it-all. Always remember to consider others' feelings and needs. These interactions are not just about you.

5. Have Some Good Openings Lines Available

Hint: Natural conversation is best.

Some possible ones to consider:

*Do you know so and so?

*I noticed you were enjoying the music a lot, isn't this a great band?

*Your drink looks good- what is it?

*I noticed you standing here alone and thought you may want some company.

Of course, the direct approach is ok too.

*Hi, I'm so and so, what is your name?

Remember that there are no rules anymore about who goes first. If you see someone who interests you, go for it. Just remember that they may not return your feelings. Then you move away gracefully, look around for someone else that attracts you, and make an overture towards them.

Also remember that rejection is part of the process. If you let the fear keep you from taking that first step, you will greatly lessen your chances of meeting and connecting with compatible singles.

By Toni Coleman, MSW

She Rejected You: Some Reasons Why It Happened & What You Can Do?

There is just something that makes women NOT get attracted to men who have lower STATUS than themselves. There is always tension when a lady is taller than her man, she makes more money than him or when a guy is being 'led around' by his girlfriend or wife..

SCENE 1 You ask the lady where she would like to go. If she seems indifferent, make a decision: take her to a place YOU know and think she would like.If you don't, she won't see you as a leader.

SCENE 2 If you are dating this lady who seems so beautiful, such great company and seems successful too, you think you like her A LOT. You ask her out a second time and she agrees.

DO NOT:

1 tell her that you're beginning to have feelings for her

2. do not call her the next day to ask her out again. You need to: give her a little space - let her 'miss' you just a bit.Let her pursue you.

SCENE 3. You meet this nice babe and get her phone number and email address. You set a date and what? - she doesn't turn up. she was 'busy'.Call her tomorrow and she is still 'busy'. What happened? This 'babe' probably committed herself and later changed her mind... What to do? Give her a few days and then call again- confront her with her poor behaviour.

If there is no change, move on.

HOT TIP:

When you ask a lady what she 'wants to do', you put her in control. Most women DO NOT LIKE THIS. It makes them well uncomfortable.

* If you can't make up your mind about where to take her, and then wind up taking her to her favourite cafe, you have failed.Why? You have shown that you CAN'T LEAD.
*Remember to always treat your girlfriend / date well.
So - what kind of men are women attracted to?
~Men who LEAD. Men who are in control of themselves and situations.
~Men who MAKE DECISIONS and stand by them. (This is why you can
ask a girl what she wants and take her to her favourite cafe / club
tell her how you feel about her and watch as she loses interest in you.)
~Men who treat them well but don't allow the woman to control them.
~Men who show respect for women enough to take no for an answer.
~Men who look after their personal hygiene and grooming
~ Men who show interest in the lady - as a person not as a sex object.
The list goes on.

Should You Go on a Dating Hiatus?

Sometimes we need a hiatus from dating. A "hiatus" is a break in something that normally has continuity. You may have heard this term used in conjunction with television shows: "The show is going on hiatus until shooting starts for next season." That means the actors and crew are taking a break until work starts again.

The Brick Wall
So how do you know it's time to consider a dating hiatus? It's when you've been dating for many months or years and still seem no closer to meeting the right person than when you started. It's when you've been dating a succession of people but nothing of substance develops with any of them. Are you beginning to feel like you're just beating your head against a brick wall? It will feel better if you simply decide to STOP.

You've gotten yourself in a rut. You keep doing the same things to meet new people but every relationship just peters out and goes nowhere. You're starting to feel so frustrated that's it's affecting your relationships with family and friends. You're just grumpy and negative much of the time. You're losing hope of ever finding someone to love and becoming cynical and sarcastic about your future. Instead of moving forward you're going into a tailspin.

Before you let this state of mind deteriorate into a full-blown depression, there is something you can do to change it: go on hiatus! If you're on a losing streak and it keeps getting worse instead of better, then do what any smart coach does for a player in that situation. Take yourself out of the game for a while.

Break the Pattern
When what you have been doing just isn't working, it's time to stop, break the pattern and do something different. If you are sliding into a state of misery and frustration, this may be the time when you are unhappy enough to consider doing some personal growth and spiritual work. Sad but true, most of us do not take steps to change until the pain of changing is less than the pain of staying the same.

This is the time when you are most motivated to find a connection to God or Spirit or Higher Power or whatever you call the unseen force that created our world. This is the time when you are most open to learning a new way to think and a new set of principles to believe in and live by that will take you out of your misery and put you back in charge of your life.

If this is where you are today, don't beat yourself up because you haven't found the love relationship you so ardently desire. Even the best boxer in the world sometimes has to go down for the count before he can get back up and start fighting again. Give yourself a break and take a break from the dating scene.

Going On Hiatus
Once you make up your mind firmly and decide you are going on a dating hiatus, you will immediately start to feel a little better. That's because you have taken control of your life again and have stopped looking for someone else to make you feel okay. Next time some well- meaning friend asks you who you're dating you don't have to feel like a loser or a second-class citizen because you're alone. You can just say, "Oh, I'm on hiatus right now. I've decided not to date for a while." It's a choice you have made, not an unwanted situation you found yourself in. You are in control and you're feeling better!

Now's the time to take that class you've been meaning to take, start going to church, find a therapist or counselor or support group. Read a book or two about spiritual principles, study the bible or other scriptures that interest you. Go back to your religious roots or explore some different philosophy that intrigues you. Try a yoga or meditation or dance class. Take the hours and hours you used to spend online at the dating sites and invest them into yourself instead.

Before I met my husband I took a two year dating hiatus and did just what I'm suggesting you do. That's why I know it works. What a relief it was to get myself out of the mindset of most singles: "looking, looking, always looking." I pulled in my "singles antenna" that was always on the lookout for any man that might be a possibility. I stopped making decisions about whether to go to any event based on how many single men might be there. I accepted my state of singleness and enjoyed all the good things about it.

Making Changes
I delved into the universal spiritual principles taught in Religious Science and Unity churches and discovered that I actually had the power to change how I think and what I believe. I created a whole new life for myself and learned how to be happy and whole as a single person. I let the old feelings of "not good enough" drop away and replaced them with believing and knowing that my happiness did not depend on having a partner.

Also, I came to realize that holding on to resentments from the past can block you from attracting good things into your life today. Learning to release bitterness and resentment is a necessary step, but one that many people are unwilling to take. If you are having difficulty finding and keeping a good partner today, chances are there's some anger over a past hurt buried in you that's part of the cause.

You don't have to "forgive" and pretend that whatever they did wasn't wrong, but unless you release those angry feelings, and stop giving them your attention, you'll never be free of their influence. Doing this emotional work may not be much fun and you may resent the fact that you even have to do it! But if you have the courage you can find a way and it will make a tremendous difference in your next relationship. I can vouch for that.

When I was secure in the knowledge that I am enough and don't need anyone else to be happy then I was able to go back into dating and attract a great mate in less than a year. Turns out that the solution to the problem was within myself. Once I released my old resentments and learned to appreciate all the good things about my life, I attracted some really good men into my life. Now I'm happily married a man who is a perfect partner for me.

This dating hiatus idea may seem too radical and extreme to you right now. However, the more people you date and the more unhappy you get, the more it will start to make sense to you. If all you do is take a break for a while, but don't do anything to make needed changes within yourself during that time, then you can't expect to get better results when you start dating again. A dating hiatus works only if you work it!

How Long?
How long should it take? There are no hard and fast rules about this. It all depends on how much change and growth you need before you are able to produce a different outcome for yourself. My guess would be a minimum of six months to an average of several years.

Does this sound impossible for you right now? If you can't stand the thought of not having a date for six months, then you are in a precarious state of mind, depending way too much on being in a relationship to make you feel okay. A dating hiatus could be just what you need, but you may not be ready to accept that yet. It requires patience and the determination to stick with it for however long it takes. In our culture of instant gratification and the quick-fix, people don't like hearing this, but it is the truth.

Let these ideas sink in and roll around in your subconscious for a while. Few people will joyfully jump up after reading this and shout, "Yes, I'm going on a dating hiatus tomorrow!" Give it some time and when the time is right for you (or when you are sufficiently miserable and frustrated), you will know. When it's done with the right motivation, a dating hiatus along with some personal growth work can be your ticket to a better future. You'll go back into the dating game with a real possibility of winning next time.

By Barbara Wright Abernathy

It Pays For Single Christians To Date Other Like-Minded People

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's greatest challenges.

Afterall, forever is a long time. You want to make the right decision.

Dating itself can be really trying. It can be hard to find the right people. What if they don't share the same values and beliefs that you do? How do you handle that and when?

Wouldn't it be easier to know ahead of time that they are Christian, just like you?

Wouldn't it be easier to know their respect for God and other people, values and beliefs, mirrors your own?

I know my own dating experiences were trying at best. My stomach used to churn before hand. I'd be so excited to meet new people, only to cringe as that feeling was replaced with absolute, crushing hopelessness as the person demonstrated a trait I knew I just wouldn't be able to tolerate.

If they said something snide about children and my being a parent, I knew it was over. If they weren't pet people, it was going nowhere.

If they were vulgar, ignorant, not funny or if God didn't have a place in their life like mine, what could we possibly have in common?

A few incidents come to my mind. The dental hygienist who chain-smoked. The girl who didn't shave her legs, her armpits and didn't wear deodorant (it took a few dates to begin to figure this one out).

I remember one Friday night where I thought I had met someone with real potential. She was highly educated, respectful and thoughtful. Several dates later, she showed up at my house with an open bottle of wine, already drunk. And then she stormed off when I mentioned concern that she had been drinking and driving.

So how do you find the right people? How do you at least give a first date a chance, by taking the time to get to know people coming from a similar place as you?

The workplace can be a popular source, if there are lots of employees and some that believe in God as you do.

But what if you work too much and don't have time to meet people? Or, what if meeting people is quite a scary experience, and you'd like to find a "like minded group of people", that you can get to know via email first before actually meeting?

The answer, more and more, is the Internet. Never before has the world's millions of singles, been able to find sources of other singles who are just like they are.

The best part is these specific sources of singles can be pre-determined ahead of time. For instance, you'll know you're talking to someone who is Christian, because you found their ad on a Christian singles site.

Make sense? Much easier than trying to make these discoveries of values and beliefs over coffee or dinner.

You can further refine your search by specific age ranges, kids or not, divorced or not, white, black, location, income level, career path, Yankees fan or not (very important!), etc.

I finally found my Soul Mate through a personals ad on a website. We lived in different communities but on the same island (20 miles apart). More importantly, our hearts, beliefs, values, sense of humor and general outlooks were very similar. And we knew that before ever meeting.

It was wonderful courtship. We married the next year. And to this day, many years later, we laugh that the first date never ended.

You too can have this experience, when you find a source of like-minded people to start to get to know.

Drew Harris

What Appeals To Women About Badboys

What is it about the attraction of Bad Boys?

A lot of women have said they are attracted to bad boys. If you wonder why than read on.

The typical badboy is

* Cocky

* Arrogant

* Puts himself first

* He is inattentive to a woman's needs

* Does what he wants when he wants to do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks

* Acts like a loose cannon

* Struts his masculine sexuality

* Isn't even remotely a "nice" guy

* Uses women for sex

* Feels he is on top of the mating chain. An Alpha male so to speak if you've watched the Discovery channel

Ask any girl what she likes about the typical bad boys. A lot of women will answer that they never knows what to expect when a "bad boy" is around They find them as a challenge, and see bad boys as confident, Bad boys knows what they want and go after it. They are never boring. They are strong, aggressive, independent, and self-assured. Women feel safe around them. Some women like the idea that maybe "she " can fix him.

When I asked around to a few women what they like about Bad Boys they answered some things like:

Love and sex is stronger when it has intense emotions. The nice guy is like taking Amtrak whereas the bad boy is like a roller coaster. Nice guys can be manipulative. Sure they are always nice to you, but it is just to get others to be nice back to them, and that isn't real or natural for lovers. There's no challenge in nice guys. Women like a challenge and want to be able to reform a bad boy. It's more flattering for a bad boy to like you. It is more special for a guy to treat most of the people he meets like jerks, but treats you nicely

Another said this about Bad boys:

The last guy I was with was kind, gentle, and respectful of my needs and gave me everything I wanted, and never disagreed with me. I HATED IT!

The guy I am with now are all these things...but will put me in my place when I need to be. I find that very often, I need to be put in my place. He is not afraid to tell me I am wrong. That I am being a brat or just being plain ridiculous. and even if I whine and try to get my way, he won't give in to me if he really thinks he is right.

I need a knock-down, drag-out fight every once in a while. well, maybe not literally, no one wants to be hit or anything like that, but there is times that I need to argue.

You can't argue with someone who always says "you're right, princess. anything you say, angel."

It's nice to be indulged, sure; but how can you respect someone who kisses your ass? Yuck!!!, give me a guy who will stand up to me, and I will be his forever.

Another person's comment was

I am attracted to the bad boys for the more masculine reason (I like to think my man can protect me if need be) but also because the super nice guys I have met get caught up in the status quo and end up getting really lazy in the relationship and their own lives. I would love to find a super nice guy who can embrace the excitement of everyday life and the relationship but I haven't found it yet.

Somebody who can be labeled as a bad boy is masculine. He has a ton of confidence. Women find this trait of extreme confidence very attractive. It draws them towards confidence me. It has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with his attitude and his beliefs. It draws women on an emotional level and when emotions and logic come together more often than not if the emotion is powerful enough the emotions win.

Don't do these things below to be a bad boy:

Be clingy.

Be afraid to let her know you find her attractive.

Neglect having a life outside of the relationship.

Be too easy to get - keep her intrigued.

Sacrifice your hobbies, life, friends, job, etc. for the relationship.

Be nice with the expectation that you'll get something in return for it-that's manipulative.

Come on too strong or try overly hard to impress.

Be possessive.

Be submissive - women want a guy who's tougher and stronger than they are (but that doesn't mean they want someone to dominate them).

Become set in your ways.

Be a pushover.

The things to do to be a badboy:

Have fun.

Show self-confidence.

Be energetic.

Relax and take up space

Make Eye Contact with everybody

Project Your Emotions

Be passionate.

Lead others

Have a Playboy type attitude, playful and fun

Have a sense of adventure.

Be ambitious and lead

Have a life and hobbies outside of your relationship.

Be a manly protector-type (not macho or misogynistic).

Respect yourself.

Be exciting and unpredictable.

Be a challenge.

Give your own opinions.

Show strength.

Realize your feelings come from within -not outside

Generate feelings inside you first so that others will follow

One of the things that we teach at Fidentia is to take the traits of a Bad boy, an alpha male and take the good parts without the bad. Most high self esteem women do not want anybody who will abuse them. They want somebody who cares for them also. The combination of a bad boy, jerk with a sensitive caring guy is the atom bomb of seduction. It is the best of both worlds. The guy who believes in himself and goes after what he wants but still allows himself to care for others rates high on a scale for a lot of women.

By Robert Torrey

Long Distance Dating: Romantic or Frantic?

It sounds like something out of a fairy tale. She's in Los Angeles: he's in New York. They met through an online dating service, started with e- mail, moved up to phone chatting and now they're sure they're in love. Only problem is-they have never met in person.
But they can both tell it's the real thing. It must be love-how else could the talks they have on the phone be so intimate and make them feel so close? Sure, it will be difficult and expensive to get together, but hey, this is true love! And sure, if they are to be together that means one of them has to give up their whole lifestyle-family, friends, work, etc.-and move thousands of miles away just to be with the other.
If you've never been in one of these long-distance romances you might wonder why in the world anyone would try to start a romance with someone who lives so far away. Ask any pop psychologist and they'll tell you it's a perfect set-up for people who are afraid of commitment. The long-distance lover gives you a place to focus all your romantic fantasies of having the perfect person to love, without any of the romance-dampening realities-like discovering that they yell and throw things when angry, or they hate being around your friends, or that they see nothing wrong with a drink or two before noon.
When you have just broken up with someone or when you have been on an endless merry-go-round of dates that go nowhere or when it's been months and months since you met anyone to date, you can become vulnerable to the lure of long-distance romance. I may seem very opinionated on this subject, but that's because I'm trying to save you from the heartache of another relationship gone bad.
Let's get one thing straight-this is dedicated to people who want a serious, long-term, committed, monogamous love relationship. If you just want to play, then you might find long distance dating exciting and fun. But if you want to find the right kind of partner and develop a real love relationship, you are going down a dead end road if you get involved with someone who is too far away.
What's Too Far Away?
What's "too far away"? It actually has more to do with time than with actual distance in miles. Based on my experience I'd say that if it takes more than an hour's travel time for you two to get together, that's too far away. I tried it with several good prospects that I met dating online who lived over an hour away and it was just too difficult for us to get together on any kind of regular basis. Sometimes two or three weeks would go by before we could get our schedules to mesh well enough to see each other.
Believe me, all it takes is a few nerve-wracking 90-minute drives through Southern California traffic to take the luster off your budding romance. And that's if they are only 60 or 70 miles away. As a relationship develops you want to spend more and more time with the person. You can put up with the travel time at the start when everything is new and exciting, but it gets old rather quickly.
So now you should know what's coming next. If I'm telling you 60 miles is too far, what do I think about hundreds or thousands of miles? That's relationship roulette-and the house always wins! Okay, I know you've heard stories about one of these long distance deals that did work out. They flew across the country to see each other, it was instant chemistry and they got married and lived happily ever after. What are the chances that it will happen that way for you? Pretty close to zero. (I'd bet that lovely couple in the story is no longer together a year or two later.)
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The One Hour Rule
So here's the bottom line: long distance dating is DUMB! Don't do it if you want a real love relationship with a real person. Make up your mind right now to put the One Hour Rule into effect. There are many people that are a good match for you within one hour from your home (except maybe if you live in the Australian outback or Alaskan wilderness). We all have many more than just one soul mate on the planet at any given time.
I used to live 6,500 feet up in a little mountain town of 6,000 people where I could not find any men I wanted to date. So I got on the net and did a search for men within 40 miles and dozens of profiles popped up. One of them was my future husband, living right at the bottom of the mountain. There he was, but how would I ever have met him without the online dating service?
It took about 45 - 50 minutes for us to drive to one another's homes, and by the time we'd been dating for 6 months or so we were really tired of all the driving. But that was long enough to determine that we wanted to get engaged, move in together and eventually get married.
You must want a great long-term relationship or marriage if you've read this far. So develop a rock-solid resolve deep in your heart that you will not be tempted into starting a long distance online flirtation with anyone, no matter how cute their photo is or how perfect they seem in their profile. It is an utterly futile pursuit and will NOT get you to your goal.
The best thing to do is to clearly state your "No long distance dating" preference right up front in your profile and then stick to your guns. Some lunkhead that lives four states away will still try to contact you and you can just ignore their message or send a blank reply with NO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS or NOT INTERESTED in the subject line if you want to give them the courtesy of a reply.
Advanced Search Options
The better dating services have advanced search options that let you choose a geographical category according to zip code or number of miles. You know what the average travel times will be in your home area and can figure out which zip codes or how many miles will keep you in the under one hour category.
When you first do your own searches restrict them to people 20 - 30 minutes away. Most people will find plenty of prospects in a nearby geographical area. If you're not having any luck expand your search criteria to 45 minutes or 60 minutes at the most.
There may be times when you feel lonesome and bored, when you haven't met anyone really interesting in a long time. That's the time when your resolve will be tested. You'll start to think "Oh, well?here's a message from someone who's only 3 hours away. Maybe I'll just check out their profile." This is dangerous thinking that could very well put you on the road to disaster. Remember that while you are fooling around with the wrong person, you are not available for the right person when they do show up.
So now you're thinking, "Boy, this lady is tough on us poor singles!" Yes, I'm being tough here for a good reason. People like you and me who value and cherish the idea of having a great marriage have to be tough enough to say NO to situations that have little or no chance of producing the long-term relationship we want.
I'm glad that I instituted the One Hour Rule for myself and stuck to it, no matter what. That's why I was able to find my great guy living close enough so we could really get to know each other. And that's why that great guy and I are happily married today. I sincerely want the same for you! The One Hour Rule will help you get there faster.
By Barbara Wright Abernathy

Online Dating Beginners Quiz

Free dating online-you've heard about it, you've read about it, maybe you even have a friend who's doing it. You're thinking of giving it a try yourself. But how do you know if it's the right thing for you? Here's a quick quiz to help you determine whether you're ready.

1. Are you dissatisfied with the traditional ways of meeting people to date? Two of the most likely places to meet people to date are in school and at work. If neither has helped you find a mate so far, then singles groups are often the next thing people try. The good thing about singles groups is that it puts you in front of other single people who are clearly interested in finding someone to date and possibly to mate. But if you've tried that route and still aren't meeting anyone, then free online dating can be the best next step for you.

2. Are you over 30, over 40 or beyond? It gets more difficult to meet people to date as you get older. Many of your friends are already married and the bar scene has lost its appeal. That doesn't mean there's no one out there for you. It's just not as easy to find one another! The world of on line dating gives you access to an almost unlimited supply of potential partners, more than you could ever meet any other way.

3. Do you have a good sense of who you are and what you want in a partner? The great thing about getting older is that we usually know ourselves better and have a more realistic idea of what kind of person would be a good match for us. And hopefully, you have a better idea of what you can give to a relationship, not just what you want to get.

On line dating allows you to search for a partner based on what is most important to you. Looking at a person's profile online allows you to find out much more about them than you'd normally know about anyone you meet offline.

4. Do you know enough about computers to browse the internet and use e-mail, or are you willing to learn? You don't need to own a computer; you just need access to one. And if you don't know how to use e-mail yet it's not that difficult to learn. Anyone who is sufficiently motivated can do it.

5. Are you willing to be proactive to get what you desire? On line dating does call for some effort on your part. You have to find a good dating service site and create a profile about yourself so others can find you. You have to put in the time to search the profiles on your site and contact people who interest you. If you're unwilling to do a little bit of work, then free dating online won't work for you.

6. Are you willing to overcome your preconceived ideas about whether "nice people" should get involved in on line dating? It's becoming more acceptable every day to meet people through free dating online. And the people who do it are likely to be more educated and better off financially than the average. Sounds like a good group of people to pick from, doesn't it?

7. Do you enjoy writing or are you willing to improve your writing skills? Communication on the internet favors those who write well. You make your first impression based on what you write in your profile and your e-mail messages. The good news is that with the great spelling and grammar checking features available in most e-mail programs, there is no excuse for being a poor writer any more. Anyone of average intelligence can learn to write well enough to attract a partner. It just takes the willingness to learn.

SCORING Give yourself 1 point for each YES answer.
0 - 4 You are not ready for free dating online. Until you can honestly answer YES to at least 5 questions, you are unlikely to have a good experience with online dating.

5 - 6 You're almost ready to try on line dating. You need to look at some dating sites and individual profiles to familiarize yourself with the prospects that are available to you. See if that doesn't increase your willingness to work on the issues in the questions which you answered in the negative.

7 What are you waiting for? Take off the brakes and go for it! You've got what it takes to succeed in on line dating. Get started by checking out all the great resources on the net for dating site reviews and online dating advice. It's never too late to change your fate!

By Barbara Wright Abernathy

Getting The Most From A Romantic Relationship

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a couple has for a happy life together. Being concerned with what is good about the relationship is what makes the relationship good. Being too concerned with the problems that a relationship has will take away from the enjoyment that the relationship can provide.

This article suggests ways for staying aware of what makes your romantic relationship worthwhile.

Don't Expect Too Much --

Don't expect a perfect relationship. That happens only in fairy tales. If you expect everything to be wonderful, it makes your relationship less valuable by comparison. Problems will occur. You will get hurt. Don't be so concerned with the problems that you loose awareness of what is good in the relationship.

Romance and love will more likely happen if you allow them to happen instead of making them a goal. If you make love the goal, you will compare how the relationship is now to what you think it should be. You will be continually disappointed. Making the relationship better should be the goal. Pay attention to treating each other fairly and helping each other. If love happens, it will be based on believing that both of you can continue to build a good relationship.

Your attitude should signal the other person that you will try to patiently work through each other's shortcomings. It won't be easy. Being tolerant and non-condemning is a challenge. But consciously making an effort to be tolerant goes a long way.

Build Upon What Is Good --

Find activities that you both like and do them together. These can be activities such as gardening, cooking, hobbies, conversation, recreation, an interest in art, charity volunteering, and family activities. Having interests that are shared, keeps a couple involved in each other's lives.

Share ideas to find ways to more enjoy living. Tell your sweetheart about strategies you use for such things as achieving goals and enjoying yourself. Tell each other about what you think is interesting, what is worthwhile, and what is encouraging. If you share positive ideas, you will think of each other as pleasant and enjoyable.

Encourage your partner to act and make decisions. Both of you will be able to accomplish more with the other's support and encouragement. When there is a disagreement, be patient. If you need to criticize, offer a positive alternative rather than a condemnation. Your encouragement likely will produce more good results than will your objections.

The good things in life are much more important than the disappointments. Reward yourself for the good in what you are doing and take some time to do what you enjoy.

By Alan Detwiler

Internet Dating - Its Not For Geeks

Six months ago an old school friend and I were chatting over coffee, putting the world to rights as women do. She was bemoaning her lack of success in meeting the "right sort" of men. I asked her if she had tried using an internet dating service, and the look of horror that quickly appeared on her face gave the instant answer - of course not! Internet dating, she informed me, was for the sad, desperate, geeky or freaky.
Sadly this type of response is typical of people from all walks of life. Why sadly? Because those who instantly dismiss such services are missing out on a great opportunity.
The traditional argument for not using the internet to meet someone is that it is not natural. So what is natural? Where have people traditionally met their husbands, wives, lovers, and friends? Statistically, over the past 50 years the most common place for meeting ones spouse has been the workplace. This is hardly surprising given the ever increasing amounts of time most people are finding themselves working. Other common meeting places include bars, nightclubs, and parties, and some lucky few meet their lifetime partner early in life at college or university. However, the workplace remains number one for long term relationships. The reason for this is simple; lasting long term relationships are usually born out of robust friendships, and strong friendships form over time. Spend eight hours a day five days a week with the same people and you will get to know them very well. It is not uncommon in the modern world to spend more time with your colleagues than with your family, an unfortunate but true fact of life.
The increasing amounts of time we as a society are spending working is leaving less time to spend in social environments outside of the office, which means less opportunity to meet new people. So if you don't meet someone at work, where else is there? Enter the dating agency.
Dating agencies are not a new idea, they have been around a very long time. The internet has simply served as a new medium for bringing people together in a tried and tested way that agencies have used for years. However, it offers some unique advantages for those seeking a partner. Firstly it has lowered the cost of running a dating service, and that means agency dating has been opened up to a much wider audience. Secondly, it has broken down geographical barriers in a way that off-line agencies could never hope to. This is an important point because not everyone is looking for their future husband or wife on their doorstep. Indeed not everyone is looking for a future husband or wife; the explosion in internet dating has made it easier than ever to find new friends and correspondents across the globe.
These two points mean that some of the bigger agency sites now have in excess of three million members, and literally thousands of new members joining every day. With that many people, if you are serious about finding a partner, lover, or a friend, then the internet is simply too big a resource to ignore. And 'net dating is safe too; there is no need to exchange real names or even email addresses until you feel you know someone well enough. All the services allow you to block unwanted communication and so there is no fear of being pestered. Used sensibly, internet dating can be safer than almost any other way of meeting people.
The internet has revolutionised the way we work, shop, conduct our financial affairs, and entertain ourselves. To use it as a medium for meeting new people is a logical step in our fast changing world.
After that chat six months ago I convinced my friend to post a profile on a dating site, she didn't even have to pay anything to do so unless she wanted to start sending messages to other people. Now I never see her because she is spending all of her time with her new man. She didn't find him in five minutes like some of the sales pitches would like you to believe, but then six months ago she didn't expect to find him at all.